I get accused a lot. he can’t do hard things, it’s not his fault, but it is my problem.

Like, what if instead of telling me what to do, he asked me what I thought then actually listened.

 

Then how would I want it to look?

I’d work my ass off and buy myself an apartment.

i’d share my work, get feedback, have someone interested in me, in what i know, in my opinion and not only when it mirrors his own. in myar and past and life. who surprises me with gifts. who plans things for me.

someone who;ll listen and remember what i’ve said.

i realize i’ve had so many drunken conversations with Ben, real pour your heart out stuff, the kind of stuff that you think bonds you and now, really realizing, he doesn’t remember that stuff.

we actually go back to zero everytime. i wouldn’want to be around me when i drink either. becausse then i say all the shit i’ve been saying but meaner and madder because i’ve been repeating myself for so long. it makes me feel crazy. and his anxiety is exactly the same as it’s always been. since 2013. same fear. only, he’s married me. of course he feels trapped. he should. i’ve begun expecting things from him. i need him right now, and he actually can’t handle that. it’s not his fault. he’s doing the best he can do. he’s been needing to run for a while and i knew my dad’s shit would push him over the edge.

and while he feels “I should be ashamed of myself for not working right now”, i’m not. i know what i need. i don’t want to treat myself the way he treats himself or he treats me. so i have to ignore him for the time being.

my back worry is that he’s called my support people upset and i haven’t heard from them. he’s manipulative. he remembers how it felt last time when he was alone and didn’t get to tell his side first. And… i’m ackowledging it without worrying about it. i was feeling sorry for myself, alone for my birthday. planning my own bd. but for this 48th year (I swear it is literally around my birthday that he freaks out…he is like mom.) as I said for my 38th,let’s leave that there. i’ll enter 48 knowing that i’ve married the wrong person. it sucks. i love him, mostly. but this isn’t the marriage i want. he can’t do any better in the ways i need. our imago match is too much and he’s not really willing to change. he can’t operate in any other way. it’s all that’s been modeled to him. he does need to go back with his parents.

But tell me about you Charity,

Well, I’m going to paint the shit out of this apartment. Hang my pix back on the walls.

put my books on the bookshelf.

put the stuff on the stairs in the living room closet.

paint the stairs…something bright.

toss that kids furniture/mosquito nests

thin my closet.

What does work/money/career look like:

-i’m going to help that sangadore girl, take a leap

keep ADC’ing but pimp myself out for more remote work.

take a show to start, 57th st would be perfect actually

finish paying my taxes

save 20k again, upmy 401k benifits to the max

write

Is there any romance? (i know we touched on this part earlier)

i guess. i’m so hurt right now. but it’s a hurtful situation. is it more hurtful if you know all this stuff and stay with him? i think so, but still hopeful.

so, i can’t even think about looks. SoI’d like someone who trusts himself and is gentle with themselves. Disciplined but not dogmatic. i’d like a creative partner, imaginative. likes to drink but not to excess, smokes weed. will watch old movies with me. is tender with me. interested in me and black people. even when they know,will still be sturred and inspired by revolution. will help me plot how we’ll have our own little one. in the ways we can. someone who knows to allow me to rest and knows that iwhen i’m rested, i have that much more room to love. who understands that if i do’t recharge, i can’t do anything. and even if they don’t understand it, they understand that i have to do it. won’t shame me in it. i want someone who doesn’t want to make me ashamed of anything. who i’m not afraid of. who is emotionally as mature as I am (at least in their mid thirties emotionally, ha). i’d like for him to share my interests in media, but for him to come to the table with something I can also learn more about. i want him to not just complain for complaints sake. i’d like to want to change some non fundamental things in a compromise. liek a fair equal compromise. i’d like for his first words to not be some way to disparage or shut me down if I ask for something. judy saw it. i’d rather him be kind in his response. i need some kindness and sensitivity right now. i need someone i can depend on and trust and not wonder if he’s been drinking and if he’ll even remember the conversation he’s pushing for. who will threaten your living space because he has a fragile ego and can’t back down from anything. that he can’t just listen, he always has to talk and be right.

i need someone i can trust too. if we don’t trust each other, why are we doing this? what’s the point? and while i can trust him-ish, i’ve closed my eyes to a lot of it. like when i’m in the car. i breathe through it.

someone who doesn’t yuck my yum. who doesn’t call the things i like terrible. like really, what a drag. can you believe i haven’t listened to my music, done my exercises, not in the way i used to, because i can hear the first comments in england that stopped me. that made me have to be wasted to play my music. “ugh, this is terrible”, “what disgusting crap are you watching now?” and if i don’t just take it, then there’s a doubling down 9it really is all just projection) and even the convo about gaslighting, what a shame my mind goes here. and just because i write it doesn’t make it true. and i get to have any fucking thought and write any fucking thing i want. i dont’ have to show it to anyone, it’s for me and i get to share what i want, but that won’t keep me from writing anymore.

this has been so cathartic. and downloading a bunch of songs that brought…bring me joy. and if he doesn’t like it, he can put on headphones.

what else happens in your reclaiming? and don’t think about the money. that budget actually really helped.