This is so bad

One of my love brothers died. As an only child, I adopt people I wish were related to me. Mary grew into a stellar blood component of my immediate family and that’s a treat. But I didn’t get Mae for 13 years after I’d developed this particular habit.

Here in NY, after B and Dane left, I only had Carl and he’s harder to catch than rabies. When the bar opened downstairs I got another bit of family that rescued me from my loneliness. Then, in 2007, the universe gave me 2 new brothers. T & Cakes. I remember telling Cakes about some wack nigga business and him being all “you know we’ve only known each other for a few months, right? And you’re blowing that nigga’s spot up.” My response was “uh un. Remember when we were in grade school and…” That’s how I felt. Like I’d known him forever. We’d just been separated. And w/T, who’d graduated from Howard the same day as me, it was easy. We had the same language.

And to watch the two of them was to watch two men who loved and respected each other be able to demonstrate their love and respect. I’d just watch them laughing and hugging (T’s a big hugger) and smile. I love watching black men demonstratively love.

I learned that my heart brother died. It was last Thursday and it’s been a whirlwind every since. I’ve barely been alone and when I am I just stare blankly at things. My current drug of choice is Law & Order. The original, cause I can’t deal with SVU right now. It’s comforting. I’m all about comfort right now.

I made my therapist cry yesterday. That’s cause he knows how much Cakes meant to me. He was my writing soulmate and hero. He was the coolest and you can hear his voice in every word he writes.

That’s all I can do for now. I’ve got to take a shower and deal with one of the worst days I’ve had yet. Tonight is his memorial service and every time anyone hugs me they pour their sorrow into me. I’m exhausted and this is just the beginning.

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