Okay, I know I’m supposed to bless money or whatever but right now, I honestly believe that money is something assholes created to piss people off. Okay, maybe not honestly. And when I have money I look down my snobbish nose at poor people. I’m an ass. That’s clear. But this week money made me cry. To be more precise, lack of money made me cry. And my pop once again offered me a chance to come live with him, help him with his business and money up so I can go live in Paris. But the idea of being a 34-year-old woman with an advanced degree leaving my apt of 12 years to have to move in with my dad sent me bawling. It didn’t help that I was cutting up my cucumber dinner. And I’m still fat. At least let me be thinner lord. But I don’t really want that either. I just want something different. I want a change and me sitting up here playing poker on Facebook isn’t going to get me anywhere. So I guess money isn’t the one who can suck it. It appears to be me.
So I’ve not left the house since Tuesday. I went to have a drink at my local watering hole, had a seltzer and cran with some homies and had to leave because I was about to burst into tears. I was so hungry. And the place smelled like meat and cheese and deliciousness and my mouth actively began watering. And it was someone’s anniversary and I thought about how I’m not just temporarily low on cash, but alone. Then that made me think about my choices. Left turns, right turns, returning phone calls, not blowing someone off, seizing an opportunity here or there. All these things got me here. Fear got me here. But that’s not true either. (Oh and I’ve begun lying a bit too.)
After I cried it out and my aunt (who’s also manic) talked me down, I drank the wine I had in the house and it came to me. I don’t regret a single choice I’ve made. Could I have done things differently? You betcha. But who couldn’t have? Really? I should ask John McCain. He really knows what it feels like to be a loser. I just feel like a loser, he really is one.
So in the Zen way, I know money’s coming to me and I’m open and willing to all the money I desire, but it can still suck it right now.