Open Letter to my Landlords

I found this today and it cracked me up. The irony is, the only way she calls me back if I don’t pay rent.  I’ve changed names to protect myself from some sort of internet business I can’t even conceive of now but will no doubt exist to ruin my life eventually.

March 9, 2003

Dear——–,

This is regarding the current status of Blah Blah Blah Avenue Top Floor.   In an 8 July 2003 letter I asked for a plumber and an exterminator. 

In December I called LANDLADY asking for a plumber.  There was a plumbing situation in the kitchen that when “repaired” by a plumber I called exacerbated the situation to include my DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBORDOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBOR was placed in charge of finding someone to repair the situation.  In February, after asking LANDLADY to please send someone out, I called several other plumbers myself and the problem was resolved. 

Monday March 3, 2003 DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBOR stated he could hear the water in his ceiling after me taking a bath.  Which is ironic, because the water runs so slow out of the bathtub I was beginning to believe it was just evaporating because of the oven being on to blow warm air into the front rooms where it’s so cold I often have to wear a hat inside.  

So again I’m requesting a plumber.  There are serious plumbing/ pipe issues here requiring more than tenants making calls to “people they know” or cold calling from the phone book to rectify. 

I also need an exterminator.  I haven’t had one here in years.

I also need a written statement regarding the rent increase.  I’m not comfortable paying more rent without having a signed agreement.  I appreciate the leniency shown me with my belated payments, but that leniency is a two way street.  I understand this is a business arrangement and if I didn’t before, the disregard for my comfort and dignity regarding the kitchen sink and the previous requests for an exterminator have made it abundantly clear that my humanity is not a concern of yours.  So you have to do what you have to do as do I.  I believed LANDLADY when she said she’d look into sending someone out.  I called her begging for a plumber, I only get a call from her regarding the rent.  I see now that that’s perhaps the only way to communicate with you.  I hope that isn’t the case and I’m mistaken.  Please let me know if this is an incorrect assumption.

Charity Thomas

CC:  MOMMY, Esq. <b>MY MOM</b>
DADDY

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