Tag Archives: open letters

Nina, girl, I know

I’ve been mad since 2012 when it was announced that Zoe Saldana was playing you and I saw the pictures of ‘you’ in blackface. Oh miss Nina, I’m so sorry they did that to you.


Those of us who know, who you taught through your life and your music are heartbroken.  I have no real opinion of Zoe Saldana, you know how there’s always gong to be someone who doesn’t know. Someone not invested in your community. Not interested in how your art and activism for Black people, who you so loved, was integral to your being. Someone who’s never been called ugly because they were Black or had any barriers placed before them because of how they looked.  It wasn’t her story to tell, she should have said no, but she’ll learn…if she’s interested. She’s in a really terrible situation and Hollywood is on some real bullshit right now. The days of reckoning you talked about are upon us.  The frequent quote about her is that she “gave her heart and soul” to the performance to which I say, so what? She should have said no. She’s not the artist for this. She hasn’t seen enough, but then again, I don’t know that girl.

But let’s deal with the thing that I love most. Context.

They took you out of context and for that I’m sorry

& they don’t know about Mississippi at all anymore.  Goddamn indeed.


Open letter to The Lone Ranger

Dear Lone Ranger,

That ship has sailed.  You’re not going to recoup that money now.  You can show all the commercials you want, nobody wants to see that movie.  I haven’t seen it, because I DON’T WANT TO.  I’m not interested in your colonialism.  Nobody’s buying it.  Johnny Depp can do his level best to show how he has both Native and African American blood in his veins to prove that he’s not a colonialist playing a stereotypically offensive Native American in the 21st century, but nobody’s buying it.  He’s making millions of dollars, the movie cost over $250 million to make.  And they’re showing commercials for it weeks after it already flopped.  Maybe the international market is in the mood for this kind of nonsense.  I’d love to see what the numbers are in Turkey.

You’re welcome,


Dear “I Married A Mobster”,

You knew what you were getting yourself into so don’t cry for me Argentina.  Really, so the guy that sold you into slavery, you call him when you escape then do coke and run the casinos for him for two years?  Really?  I know you were only 15 ½, but come on.  I’ve been that age.  I had a complicated home life.  

Then, instead of calling your mom, after escaping from the sex prison you call the dude who totally sold you to the sex slavers.  There’s not that much benefit of the doubt in the world.  I guess I just had girlfriends that I knew I could call whenever my mom saw fit to throw me out.  I know how traumatic that experience can be.  To not feel wanted.  When you’re in trouble and to have no solid base.  I get it.  But I also didn’t hang out with pimps.  But still…

Then you marry the hitman that teaches you how to shoot and, in surgical detail, how to murder a man.  But it’s fun swimming in pools, I get it.  Your parents did you a great disservice by trying to lock you up instead of taking you to a therapist.  My mom, at least, took me to the therapist.  Wait, no…actually she called the police on me before we went to the therapist.  Excuse me…carry on.

But I’m glad you have your life together now… whatever your name was lady from Vegas.  Your story sucked.  But there were some moments when I just felt like, you liked things more than information and now you wanna act like you were too afraid when you knew what was going on.   

I mean, his kid tried to strangle you and smother your kid with a pillow… what else do you need to try to get out of that shit?  

Anyway, your story touched me.


An Open Letter to the Olympic Commentators

Dear Olympic Commentators,

SHUT THE FUCK UP!  Please.  You are ruining something that I have to look forward to for four years.  Every year it’s getting worse and worse and I think the #epicNBCfail of it all is that NBC hates the people who watch its network.  I’ve been saying for a while that NBC wants to go out of business and I now know that Kabletown can not handle the pressures of viewership.  Do you know that I’m switching between Goodfellas and the Olympics because I need to watch GOODFELLAS to wash the sound of those terrible voices out of my head.

The manipulative stories with their excessive use of hyperbole being SCREAMED at me makes me want to throw my best friend, TV, out of the window.  Let me decide when I want to get excited.  Don’t force feed me my emotions.  And I don’t believe you’re that excited.  & stop talking about how heartbreaking people losing is.  These are Olympic athletes.  They know how competition works.  So you asking them how devastated they are 2 seconds after they lose is crass.  Also, give them a minute to catch their breath when they finish, win or lose.  Do you know how hard they’ve been working.  Let them have their moment personally for a minute.  Just a minute, since I know that these Olympics are costing you about $8000 every 30 seconds (or something like that…), but maybe you can at least pretend to be human beings.  

But I have learned that Americans can’t be quiet for a fucking minute.  We have to fill up space.  They talk through the event.  The event is an afterthought to all that fucking talking. So thanks, I love to learn.

And this isn’t for you commentators, this is for your boss.  NBC- you suck balls.



Open Letter to my Landlords

I found this today and it cracked me up. The irony is, the only way she calls me back if I don’t pay rent.  I’ve changed names to protect myself from some sort of internet business I can’t even conceive of now but will no doubt exist to ruin my life eventually.

March 9, 2003


This is regarding the current status of Blah Blah Blah Avenue Top Floor.   In an 8 July 2003 letter I asked for a plumber and an exterminator. 

In December I called LANDLADY asking for a plumber.  There was a plumbing situation in the kitchen that when “repaired” by a plumber I called exacerbated the situation to include my DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBORDOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBOR was placed in charge of finding someone to repair the situation.  In February, after asking LANDLADY to please send someone out, I called several other plumbers myself and the problem was resolved. 

Monday March 3, 2003 DOWNSTAIRS NEIGHBOR stated he could hear the water in his ceiling after me taking a bath.  Which is ironic, because the water runs so slow out of the bathtub I was beginning to believe it was just evaporating because of the oven being on to blow warm air into the front rooms where it’s so cold I often have to wear a hat inside.  

So again I’m requesting a plumber.  There are serious plumbing/ pipe issues here requiring more than tenants making calls to “people they know” or cold calling from the phone book to rectify. 

I also need an exterminator.  I haven’t had one here in years.

I also need a written statement regarding the rent increase.  I’m not comfortable paying more rent without having a signed agreement.  I appreciate the leniency shown me with my belated payments, but that leniency is a two way street.  I understand this is a business arrangement and if I didn’t before, the disregard for my comfort and dignity regarding the kitchen sink and the previous requests for an exterminator have made it abundantly clear that my humanity is not a concern of yours.  So you have to do what you have to do as do I.  I believed LANDLADY when she said she’d look into sending someone out.  I called her begging for a plumber, I only get a call from her regarding the rent.  I see now that that’s perhaps the only way to communicate with you.  I hope that isn’t the case and I’m mistaken.  Please let me know if this is an incorrect assumption.

Charity Thomas

CC:  MOMMY, Esq. <b>MY MOM</b>

Open Letter to President Barack Obama

Dear President Barack Obama,

I love you.


Charity Thomas

P.S. I love you in a clean reverent “leader of my free world” way, that’s all. Make sure you tell Michelle that. I’m just saying, ‘cause I don’t want her coming after me. I mean, I do have the weight advantage, but with height and arm length and strength- she’s got me beat. I, also, can’t pull my “I’m from the South Side of Chicago” intimidation routine on her. I know for a fact that if she though I was really trying something, she’d CUT MY FUCKING HEART OUT. So, it’s a platonic love. And it’s a true love.

Open Letter to Michelle Obama

Open Letter to Michelle Obama

Dear First Lady Michelle Obama,

Your husband and his people have been sending me emails for months now. I was sure you’d caught on because then you started sending them me too. After the election, well I thought we’d put this all behind us. But unfortunately, I’m still receiving emails and, well, I thought you should know.

You seem like a nice enough lady. I’ve even written you a letter that’s published in the book “Go, Tell Michelle: African American Women Write to the New First Lady”. It appears none of our missives elude publication.

You looked so lovely and happy at the inauguration I thought we could put these minor dalliances behind us. But they continue. I need you to be understanding about this, because I NEED you to be with your old man. You’re too important to a battalion of highly educated black girls who have all formerly had (and currently have) perms and have all enjoyed 4 wings with mild sauce from Harold’s, if you know what I mean.

But I would appreciate if you could get them to stop with the emails. I appreciate the updates, but I do read Huffington Post.

With Reverence and Love,
Charity Thomas

Open Letter to Dana Dane

Dear Dana Dane,

Since the old days, rap now sucks. Please make it better.


Charity Thomas

P.S. Please tell Big Daddy Kane that he can still come over

my house anytime he wants because he’s The B- I- G D- A- double D- Y givin’ good and plenty….

Open Letter to the OcotoMom

Dear Nadya Suleman (or Crazy Baby Machine, or Crazy Clown Car Uterus Lady, as I affectionately call you),

While I can sympathize with not having a job and wanting to be on TV, I have to ask if having a litter of babies is the most effective way to do that?  I mean, I don’t like kids particularly, I guess I could start there.  When I heard you had 8 babies at one time, I was like “Whoa man.  That’s a lot of babies!"  Then I heard you ALREADY HAD 6 AT HOME, didn’t have a job and lived with your mom.   Then I was all "WTF?  Is this bitch crazy?”

No, really.  What The Fuck?  Are you mad?  I watched that Ann Curry interview and you sound crazy as cat shit.  How are you really going to provide for those kids?  Your loving presence does not diapers make.  And you don’t have udders despite your litter of kids.

You seem to be a religious woman.  You had six miracles despite your bad plumbing.  Maybe, as a way of course correction your tubes were blocked for a reason.  I know that’s mean, but look what you did when you superseded the natural order of your particular body.  You were given a gift.

Then you just got greedy.

Charity Thomas

Open Letter to Crazy Connecticut Monkey Lady

Dear Crazy Monkey Lady,

Monkey’s aren’t pets.  Chimpanzee’s aren’t people.  You can’t feed it, get it liquored up, have it BRUSH YOUR HAIR and  not expect it to go APE SHIT on somebody.  That’s where the term APE SHIT came from I think.

And on top of all of that, the thing that really is heartbreaking is that- the chimp had to die.  The chimp that was probably a little tipsy and on Xanax.  The chimp who has been turned into a surrogate human in a bunch of really messed up ways by this poor disturbed woman, had to get shot (after being stabbed and hit with a shovel).

That’s just fucked up.

Shame on you Crazy Monkey Lady.

Shame on you.