Dear ABC’s Mistresses,

I’ve had something to say to you for a while, but I kept getting stuck.  All I could think was that the British version of the show must want to punch you in the face.  

You took a perfectly good soap opera and ruined it.  How could you make me not want to see Alyssa Milano?  I love her.  I’ve love her for years.  But this show is so insipid.  I keep wondering if I hate you so much because I’ve already met the better version of you.  

You’re like that Giorgio cologne knock off from the ‘90’s.  My friends and I attributed it to people.  Like, we don’t have Naomi Campbell, but we have Tyra Banks.  [I don’t care what ANYBODY says, Naomi is a superior model.]  

You’re a designer imposter.  But one you get on Canal St.  You look cheap.  You’re storylines are rushed.  That Jess knockoff is an abomination.  No! No!  Jess was the best of them.  And you cheapened her.  

Rushing the whole dead husband back with girlfriend and kid storyline was too rushed and just seemed crazy and weird.  At least in the British one he died in 9/11.  Not made up some fake faked death.  

And using Robert from The Cosby Show is manipulative.

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